Stained Scarlet (scarletise) wrote in fantaisiste,
Stained Scarlet

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Scarlett: Illusion and confusion are dances I've learnt

I drove Sloane and Hayden to the airport last weekend. They've gone to France. Aisha's back in Italy because her cousin is expecting her 4th baby. Apparently things aren't too good over there at the moment, the Family is doing some downsizing. I wish one of them was here right now...I'm so confused and there's noone I can ask for help here. Leo would completely overreact, I can't tell him anymore than I can tell anyone in the Organisation, they think the only solution is a one. Talia, well I don't really want to drag Talia into this. Nor Mona or Rory, especially since they're so busy with the band and all. And Josh, well, he's dating Dave at the moment, and if Dave hears one word of it, and it gets back to say Liam, then everything is finished, and I know how close Dave and Liam are. I don't know Simon well enough yet, even though I've managed to talk to him off and on, besides he's very stressed over Destiny being in hospital as it is.

I should explain what's going on I guess. Well, the Italian cop, Tony, did call the next day. We talked for a while and agreed to meet at a cafe for lunch. He was there first, pulled out my chair for me, let me order for both of us and then refused to let me pay for anything. I was pleasently surprised. I spent that afternoon with him, just walking around the city and talking. He took me out to dinner a few nights later and again he was the perfect gentleman. He handed me a ticket to Rigoletto at the Opera House, and begged me to go with him. I sat there thinking I had found the perfect man.

I'd been to his apartment a few times with him to pick up stuff or whatever before going out, but on this particular Friday night, we decided to stay in rather than going out as per usual since he was feeling rather stressed about this big narcotics case he was working on. I managed to turn the few items in his fridge into a passable dinner, since he is even worse than me at cooking. We had a TV dinner and watched some movie he had rented. I'll have to admit I was paying far more attention to the body beside me than what was on the TV. Before long, hands were all over the place and clothes were thrown around the room. I slept with him that night, had sex, fucked him, whatever you want to call it. I still can't quite believe I did, I mean the only other guy I've had sex with is Leo, and I'd gone out with him for something like 2 years before we got to there. With Leo, it was so different, because I knew, know that I'll always love Leo in some way, he'll always be part of my life. With Leo I knew exactly what I was doing, I understood what it meant, what he meant to me. But...Tony...I still am not sure how it all happened. It was so fast...too fast almost. I don't mean I regret it, I don't mean it was a bad experience. Leo set high standards and I don't think anyone can quite compare to him, not only physically but because of the emotional level of it, but Tony wasn't that far behind. I just can't understand why I feel so...empty, confused now.

And then, if all that emotional stress wasn't enough, Tony's been...different recently. I mean, he's still a gentleman and all affectionate, but sometimes the look in his eyes scares me. I've seen it before, in Liam, Dave, my father, it's that cold calculating expression that just makes you freeze inside, that makes you aware exactly what these men are capable of. When you spend time around people like that, you learn every tiny mannerism has meaning and exactly what it represents. Aisha would know what I'm talking about. And then, he's now more...abrupt with me at times, sometimes even physically rough. He pushes me around and if I don't agree to do what he wants, he'll ignore me or storm off. I feel that I'm making more out of this than I should. I mean, I know how to look after myself, and I know if I'm ever in bad trouble, Liam or someone in the Organisation and even Leo would back me up, but I don't want to resort to that. I feel like I'm paranoid, but also that admitting I need help to anyone is a sign of weakness. I don't do weakness.

I'm just confused, I wish Sloane or Aisha was here, I reallly wish. Will email Sloane I guess, I wouldn't dare contact Aisha at the moment, most of the Families have each other's communication lines tapped, and the Organisation has half of them tapped as well, and I don't exactly feel like broadcasting my woes to half of Italy. God, I need a drink.
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